HMM, I MADE THE FRONT PAGE
OF THE DAILY BADGERIAN AGAIN.
WHAT'S IT SAY?
"PHYSICS PROFESSOR CALLS EINSTEIN IDIOT.
PROCLAIMS SELF MUCH SMARTER."
SOMETHING SMELLS DIVINE.
IT'S ME.
I JUST KNOW IT'S ME.
[WIND BLOWS]
OOH, LOOK AT THOSE CLOUDS.
OH, THAT ONE LOOKS LIKE ME.
SO DOES THAT ONE.
THAT ONE MAKES ME LOOK FAT.
LOOK, THAT ONE LOOKS LIKE A POODLE.
A DARK, MENACING POODLE.
MMM, AND IT'S WHIZZING LIGHTNING.
MAYBE WE SHOULD GO IN.
YEAH. YEAH.
HARRY, YOU COMING?
YEAH, JUST A SEC.
DON'T BE LONG.
HEY, THAT CLOUD LOOKS LIKE A GIANT FUNNEL
WITH MOBILE HOMES STUCK IN IT.
OOH, LOOK, A FLYING COW!
[WIND BLOWS]
DICK!
AAH!
WHERE AM I?
WHO AM I?
MARY, YOU'RE HERE.
I DIDN'T SEE YOUR CAR.
I HAVE A NEW PARKING SPACE.
REALLY? WHERE?
THERE.
WHERE?
THERE.
WHOO!
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
THAT'S RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF THE BUILDING.
I CAN ALMOST SMELL YOUR LITTLE PINE TREE.
YEAH, IT'S A GREAT SPACE, ISN'T IT?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
THE UNIVERSITY SHOULD'VE OFFERED IT TO ME FIRST!
I'M THE STAR OF THE FACULTY!
I'M THE ONE WHOSE BRAIN EVERYONE WANTS
TO DISSECT FOR SCIENCE.
RIGHT, FOR SCIENCE.
I DESERVE IT!
I HAVE TENURE!
TENURE!
I SUPPOSE IF SOMEONE STICKS AROUND
A THIRD-RATE UNIVERSITY LONG ENOUGH,
THEY HAVE TO RECOGNIZE HER LACK OF DRIVE SOMEHOW.
DICK, YOU'RE OVERREACTING.
I'M NOT OVERREACTING.
OVERREACTING WOULD BE GOING STRAIGHT TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNIVERSITY
AND TELLING HIM EXACTLY HOW I FEEL.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
STRAIGHT TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNIVERSITY
AND TELLING HIM EXACTLY HOW I FEEL.
OH, DICK, IT'S A PARKING SPACE!
YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A CHILD!
NUH-UH!
YUH-HUH!
PLLLLLT!
SIT DOWN.
TELL ME WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND.
PRESIDENT DEWEY, A GREAT INJUSTICE HAS BEEN COMMITTED.
OH, HAVE I BEEN INDICTED?
WORSE. I DON'T LIKE MY PARKING SPACE.
YES, THAT IS TROUBLESOME.
I WAS THINKING OF SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF G-34.
NOW THAT'S A GOOD SPOT. I LIKE THAT SPOT.
AND YOU'RE A GOOD MAN. I LIKE YOU.
WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?
THE SPACE.
OH, SORRY.
THAT'S FOR TENURED PERSONNEL ONLY.
THEN I ORDER YOU TO GIVE ME AN EVEN CLOSER SPOT.
DICK, I'M GONNA DO YOU A FAVOR.
YOU'RE GIVING ME THE SPACE?
NO, I'M GONNA TELL YOU A STORY.
CAN'T YOU SEE I'M UPSET?
YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M GOING TO LET YOU DO WHATEVER YOU THINK IS RIGHT.
WELL, THEN I--
I'M GOING TO TAKE THE SPACE.
SORRY, NO CAN DO.
CIGAR?
I'M WARNING YOU,
EITHER YOU GIVE ME THAT SPACE OR I QUIT!
AH, I UNDERSTAND.
WHAT SPACE ARE YOU IN NOW?
X-17. WHY?
BECAUSE I'M GIVING THAT TO MY SECRETARY.
ALL RIGHT, FOR STARTERS,
LOOKS LIKE THE STORM KNOCKED OFF SOME SHINGLES.
YOU LOSE ANYTHING ELSE?
I DON'T KNOW. LIKE WHAT?
DID YOU HAVE ANY GUTTERS?
NO.
SCREENS?
ANTENNAS? NO.
DIRECT SATELLITE TV?
YES.
UM, EXCUSE ME.
UM, IS THIS 417 PENSDALE ROAD?
YEAH.
ARE YOU MY WIFE?
NO.
GOOD.
HARRY, YOU'RE BACK.
OH, WE WERE SO WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
WOW!
ARE YOU MY WIFE?
YEAH, RIGHT.
HARRY, WE HAVE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU.
JEEZ, HARRY, YOU'RE A MESS.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
WELL, I'M NOT SURE.
MY MIND'S A COMPLETE BLANK.
SO THEN YOU'RE FINE.
YEAH, THAT'S A RELIEF, HONEY.
YOU GO WATCH YOUR STORIES.
I'LL MAKE YOU SOME TOAST.
NO SOFA.
THAT'S WEIRD.
HMM.
"HIGH COMMANDER'S LOG BOOK."
WELL, THIS SOUNDS INTERESTING.
"JANUARY 9th:
"WE HAVE SUCCESSFULLY ASSUMED HUMAN FORM
"AND HAVE TRICKED THE EARTHLINGS
INTO THINKING THAT WE ARE OF THEIR SPECIES."
OH, MY GOD.
THEY'RE ALIENS.
* LA LA LA
Mary: YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING.
NOPE. I DID IT.
WALKED OFF THE JOB,
STUCK IT TO THE MAN,
TOLD HIM TO KISS MY HAIRY POLENTA.
BANGO!
YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS.
I COULDN'T BE MORE SERIOUS.
NOW, PLEASE, PASS ME MR. POTATO MAN.
WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?
BECAUSE IT'S NOT FAIR.
WELL, LIFE ISN'T FAIR.
WELL, YOU COULD REMEDY THAT, MARY,
BY GIVING ME THE SPACE.
BUT THAT WOULDN'T BE FAIR TO ME.
WELL, LIFE ISN'T FAIR. YOU SAID SO YOURSELF.
LET IT GO, DICK.
FINE.
UH, THAT'S UNIVERSITY PROPERTY.
WELL, THEY SHOULD'VE THOUGHT OF THAT
BEFORE GIVING AWAY MY PARKING SPACE.
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NOW?
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.
I GIVE DEWEY ABOUT 10 MINUTES
BEFORE HE COMES CRAWLING BACK TO ME.
NINA, CAN YOU HELP ME WITH THE WATER COOLER?
Sally: DICK?
DICK!
YOU HAVE BEEN SITTING THERE FOR 10 DAYS.
FOR THE LAST TIME,
THE UNIVERSITY IS NOT GONNA CALL.
OH, THEY'LL CALL.
AND WHEN THEY DO,
THIS PHONE IS GOING TO REALLY,
REALLY RING.
I JUST WONDER IF IT'S WORTH GETTING ALL MESHUGENAH
OVER A PARKING SPACE.
DICK, I HATE TO INTERRUPT THE CREEPFEST,
BUT WOULD YOU STOP THINKING OF YOURSELF FOR A MINUTE
AND THINK OF THE MISSION?
OH, MY GOD.
THEY'RE ON A MISSION.
I AM THE MISSION!
HERE WE CAME TO THIS PITIFUL PLANET
TO EXPERIENCE THE HUMAN CONDITION.
AND FROM ALL THAT I CAN ASCERTAIN,
THE HUMAN CONDITION REQUIRES NOTHING MORE
THAN COMPLETE AND UTTER
SOLIPSISTIC SELF-ABSORPTION!
AND YOU CAN INCLUDE THAT IN YOUR NEXT TRANSMISSION
TO THE YOU KNOW WHO!
AW, WHO?
THE BIG GIANT HEAD!
HAVEN'T YOU BEEN LISTENING?!
OH, THE BIG GIANT HEAD.
HA HA HA HA HA.
THANK YOU FOR SEEING ME, FATHER.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE ELSE TO TURN.
WELL, THAT'S WHY THEY PAY ME
THE BIG BUCKS, YOU KNOW.
FATHER?
HMM?
IF SOMEONE, SAY A FAMILY MEMBER,
HAD HELPED YOU, CARED FOR YOU,
GIVEN YOU SHELTER,
AND YOU KNEW SOMETHING TERRIBLE ABOUT THEM,
IT'D BE OK TO TURN THEM OVER TO THE AUTHORITIES
FOR DISSECTION, WOULDN'T IT?
ARE THEY DANGEROUS?
I DON'T KNOW!
I'M SO ALONE AND CONFUSED.
YOU'RE NOT ALONE.
THERE'S SOMEONE UP THERE
WHO'S WATCHING OVER EVERYTHING YOU DO
AT ALL TIMES.
THERE IS?
MM-HMM.
IS THIS PERSON CALLED
THE BIG GIANT HEAD?
HE GOES BY MANY NAMES.
AND YOU KNOW HIM.
KNOW HIM?
I WORK FOR HIM.
I SEE.
WELL, THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME, FATHER.
OH, MY GOD!
THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!
WE'RE OUT OF CEREAL.
WE'RE OUT OF MILK.
WE'RE OUT OF MONEY.
WHAT, NO MILK?
WHAT AM I GONNA USE IN MY COFFEE?
NO PROBLEM. WE'RE OUT OF COFFEE, TOO.
HARRY KEEPS DRINKING IT.
IT'S LIKE HE'S AFRAID TO GO TO SLEEP.
HARRY?
HARRY, COME IN HERE.
ARE YOU FEELING ALL RIGHT?
FINE. I'M FINE.
WHEN I'M FINE, I'M FINE.
HOW ARE YOU? 'CAUSE I'M FINE.
UH, TOMMY, GO TUCK HARRY IN BED.
SEE THAT HE GETS SOME SLEEP.
NO!
NO, NO.
NO, I'M FINE.
WELL, I GUESS THIS HAS BEEN KIND OF TOUGH ON ALL OF US.
DICK, WHY DON'T YOU JUST APOLOGIZE
AND GET YOUR JOB BACK?
APOLOGIZE?!
SHOULD THE VENUS De MILO APOLOGIZE
TO THE THUG WHO BROKE ITS ARMS OFF?!
NO!
SHOULD THE SPHINX APOLOGIZE TO THE DESERT WINDS
FOR ERODING ITS NOSE?
NO!
SHOULD JIM CARREY APOLOGIZE TO AMERICA
FOR THE CABLE GUY?!
PERHAPS.
NO, I'M NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE.
I CAN PLAY THEIR WAITING GAME.
YEAH, WELL, IF YOU WANT TO PLAY THE EATING GAME,
YOU'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING.
OH, I PLAN TO.
I'M GONNA GET MYSELF A NEW JOB.
A JOB WORTHY OF ME.
OH, REALLY? AND WHERE WOULD THAT BE?
IN AMERICA,
LAND OF OPPORTUNITY.
WELCOME TO RUSTY'S.
HOW MAY I SERVE YOU?
HOW DO YOU MAKE YOUR BURGERS?
EXCELLENT QUESTION.
FIRST, A CLAMP COMES DOWN ONTO THE COW'S HEAD,
FORCING IT ONTO A CONVEYOR BELT
WHERE A PROD IS INSERTED INTO THE COW'S RECTUM,
ELECTROCUTING IT.
GIMME 2.
THANK YOU.
AND REMEMBER, AT RUSTY'S,
E. COLI IS NOT ON THE MENU.
STOP SAYING THAT.
WELCOME TO RUS--
RUSTYBUGER AND A MONSTER FRIES.
VERY WELL.
SOLOMON, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO ASK HIM
IF HE WANTS A FRIED APPLE PIE WITH THAT.
BUT, DOUGY, I CAN'T.
I MEAN, JUST LOOK AT HIM.
THE RUSTYBURGER ALONE IS ENOUGH TO GIVE HIM A CORONARY.
THE FRIED PIE WILL BE THE DEATH BLOW!
LOOK, I DIDN'T GO TO HAMBURGER COLLEGE
TO TAKE CRAP FROM YOU.
HAMBURGER COLLEGE.
THEY'RE NOT, BY CHANCE,
LOOKING FOR A PHYSICS PROFESSOR,
ARE THEY?
IT'S A HAMBURGER SCHOOL.
ONCE AGAIN I FIND MYSELF AT THE MERCY OF SOMEONE
I WOULDN'T LET PICK MY NOSE!
I'M THE MOST QUALIFIED! I'M THE SMARTEST!
I SHOULD BE RUNNING RUSTY'S!
THAT'S IT!
YOU'RE OFF REGISTER.
REPORT IMMEDIATELY TO THE DRIVE-THRU WINDOW.
DEMOTED?!
DOUGY, NO!
WELL, I DON'T KNOW
IF I COULD COME BACK TO THE UNIVERSITY.
NO.
UH, WELL, I AM DEEPLY HURT.
I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH YOU BEG.
I AM NOT COMING BACK.
NO. NO.
WELL, TO BE HONEST,
I'M ENTERTAINING SOME VERY INTERESTING OFFERS
EVEN AS WE SPEAK.
WELL, YOU BETTER GET GOING, DICK.
YOU KNOW HOW DOUGY HATES IT WHEN YOU'RE LATE.
I'LL GO AS SOON AS I FIND MY HAT.
UH, YOU'RE WEARING YOUR HAT.
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
DON'T YOU THINK I'D KNOW
IF I WERE WEARING MY OWN HAT?
AH! THERE IT IS.
YES, OPERATOR,
YOU HAVE TO LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY.
I'M AT 417 PENSDALE ROAD,
AND I'M SURROUNDED BY ALIENS.
I NEED TO TALK
TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
YEAH, I KNOW I NEED HELP,
THAT'S WHY I'M CALLING.
HELLO? HELLO?
HELLO?
THEY'VE GOTTEN TO THE PHONE COMPANY, TOO.
AND THANK YOU FOR MAKING RUSTY'S
A PART OF YOUR DAY.
HELLO, BUG, PITMAN.
WELCOME TO RUSTY'S.
HOW MAY I SERVE YOU?
WE JUST WANTED TO COME IN AND SEE
IF YOU WERE REALLY FLIPPING PATTIES
IN THE HAMBURGER FREAK-OUT WARD.
YOU INSOLENT LITTLE TWERPS! I SHOULD--
WELL, WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?
A CUSTOMER SATISFACTION CARD.
MMM.
"RATE THE PERFORMANCE OF YOUR SERVER."
F. F.
THANK YOU FOR MAKING RUSTY'S
A PART OF YOUR DAY.
SO THIS IS WHERE THE GREAT MINDS OF RUTHERFORD GO
WHEN THEY'RE FEELING UNDERAPPRECIATED?
HELLO, MARY.
HELLO, DICK.
I SEE THEY'VE GOT YOU BACK BEHIND THE REGISTER.
NO, I'M JUST COVERING FOR MAURICE.
HE'S OUT BACK HAVING A SMOKE.
A MAN OF YOUR BRILLIANCE
QUITTING HIS JOB
OVER A STUPID PARKING SPACE.
IF IT'S SO STUPID, WHY DON'T YOU GIVE IT TO ME?
NEVER.
AHA! SO YOU ADMIT IT'S IMPORTANT.
I ADMIT NOTHING.
GIMME A RUSTY DOG, NO ONIONS.
AHEM.
WOULD YOU LIKE A FRIED PIE WITH THAT?
YES.
NO, MARY, DON'T DO IT!
GIMME THE PIE!
MARY, YOU HAVE YOUR WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF YOU!
OH, DICK, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO YOURSELF?
CAN'T YOU JUST COME BACK?
NO, MARY.
I HAVE MY PRIDE.
SO YOU'RE WORKING AT RUSTY'S.
YES. THEY HAVE SOME WONDERFUL OPPORTUNITIES
FOR ADVANCEMENT HERE.
DID YOU KNOW THAT THE FRY MAN WHO USED TO WORK HERE
IS NOW A MULTI-MILLIONAIRE?
WHAT HAPPENED?
HE LOST HIS ARM IN THE PATTY PRESS
AND GOT A GREAT LAWYER.
ALL RIGHT, GENTLEMEN,
PREPARE YOURSELF FOR A FANCY FEAST.
A FANCY FEAST? CAN WE AFFORD THAT?
YES, WE CAN.
BECAUSE WHILE I WAS SHOPPING TODAY,
I FOUND THIS AISLE IN THE BACK
THAT HAD THESE UNBELIEVABLE SAVINGS.
TUNA, LIVER, AND NEW SEAFOOD BLEND
FOR YOU FINICKY TYPES.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU'RE FEEDING US CAT?
IT'S NOT CAT, TOMMY.
IT'S SALMON.
THERE'S JUST A PICTURE OF A CAT ON THE LABEL.
THE BEST PART IS, NEXT TO THE FOOD,
THEY HAD THESE ADORABLE LITTLE GIFTS. LOOK.
OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH.
I'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER IN MY LIFE!
I WAS PLAYING WITH IT TODAY,
AND IT GOT STUCK BEHIND THE REFRIGERATOR,
AND I WENT WENT NUTS TRYING TO GET IT!
HELLO?
HEL--AAH!
I'VE BEEN AWAKE FOR 16 DAYS.
THAT MUST BE A RECORD.
SO, I'VE GOT TO KNOW,
ARE YOU ONE OF THEM?
I'M JUST GOING TO STEP OUT OF THIS CLOSET NOW.
AAH! WAIT!
IF YOU ARE WHO YOU SAY YOU ARE,
THEN WHO WON THE WORLD SERIES IN 1956?
HUH, HUH?
WHO, WHO?
I DON'T KNOW!
I DON'T KNOW EITHER!
AAH!
HA!
OH, I SEE WHAT IT'S COME TO!
YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR A RUSTY'S MAN!
DICK, IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT IS.
I'M NOT SURE WHAT IT WAS.
I ONLY CAME BY TO TELL YOU
THAT I SPOKE WITH PRESIDENT DEWEY
AND HE'S WILLING TO MEET WITH YOU.
NEVER! I HAVE MY PRIDE.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, KEEP YOUR PRIDE.
SUFFER ALL YOU WANT.
BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR FAMILY?
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH MY FAMILY.
YOUR SON IS EATING CAT FOOD!
CAT FOOD? CAT FOOD?
PUH, PUH!
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M BEGINNING TO WONDER IF I WAS RASH
QUITTING MY JOB OVER A PARKING SPACE.
STOP WONDERING.
I CAN'T HELP THINKING THAT IT WAS MY PRIDE
THAT CLOUDED MY JUDGMENT.
STOP THINKING.
IT DID.
WAS IT FOLLY OR SHEER IDIOCY THAT LEAD TO MY DOWNFALL?
FOLLY.
IDIOCY.
I CHANGE MY VOTE TO IDIOCY.
HELLO, PRESIDENT DEWEY.
HELLO, MARY.
DR. SOLOMON AND I--
DICK!
HELLO, PRESIDENT DEWEY.
AND THANK YOU, DR. ALBRIGHT, FOR ANNOUNCING ME.
I BELIEVE YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY
TO PRESIDENT DEWEY?
I WOULD LIKE TO DISCUSS THE TERMS
UNDER WHICH I WILL RETURN TO PENDLETON.
HE WANTS TO DROP THE PARKING THING.
THAT'S GOOD TO HEAR.
AND IN RETURN, YOU WILL ADMIT
THAT YOU WERE WRONG
AND THAT THIS UNIVERSITY IS FALLING APART
WITHOUT ME.
OR NOT.
WE'RE GETTING ALONG VERY WELL WITHOUT YOU.
THANK YOU AND GOOD-BYE.
OH, NO.
PRESIDENT DEWEY, DR. SOLOMON IS AWARE
OF HOW PATHETIC HE'S BEEN OVER THE--
MARY, MARY, MARY, MARY,
THIS IS BENEATH YOU.
WHY DON'T YOU WAIT OUTSIDE,
AND I'LL SETTLE THIS ON MY OWN TERMS, ALL RIGHT?
PLEASE!
PLEASE, TAKE ME BACK!
SORRY, CAN'T DO IT.
PLEASE, PLEASE, I'LL DO ANYTHING,
JUST NAME IT!
YOU CAN APOLOGIZE.
YOU WANT ME TO APOLOGIZE?!
YES.
I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY!
FINE, YOU CAN BEGIN TOMORROW.
IN MY NEW PARKING SPOT?
I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY!
SO, DICK, ANY PROBLEMS GETTING YOUR JOB BACK?
ARE YOU KIDDING? HE BEGGED ME.
WELL, HE DIDN'T BEG BEG,
BUT IT WAS CLEAR ENOUGH.
I TAKE IT YOU DIDN'T GET THE SPACE, EITHER?
NOT THE SPACE SPACE.
BUT, YOU KNOW, I LEARNED SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT.
WHAT?
THAT EVEN IF YOU'RE THE HIGH COMMANDER
AND BRILLIANT,
THERE'S STILL TIME
FOR A LITTLE HUMILITY.
THANKFULLY, THAT TIME IS NOW OVER.
[BELL RINGS]
AH, DINNER!
COME ON, LET'S EAT, HARRY.
DID YOU JUST SAY, "LET'S EAT HARRY?"
YEAH. WE'RE HUNGRY,
SO IT'S TIME TO EAT, HARRY.
EAT HARRY.
I SEE.
COULD I JUST HAVE A MOMENT, PLEASE?
WHATEVER.
WOULD YOU HURRY IT UP?
I'M STARVING.
[THUNDER]
WOW, THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE.
MMM, MY FAVORITE,
MEAT LOAF DELUXO.
HARRY, WE HAVEN'T HAD THAT
SINCE DICK QUIT HIS JOB 3 WEEKS AGO.
DICK QUIT HIS JOB?
YEAH. WHY DO YOU THINK
HE WAS WORKING AT RUSTY'S?
DICK WAS WORKING AT RUSTY'S?!
JEEZ, HARRY, DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING?
NO.
ALL I KNOW IS I GOT A TRANSMITTER IN MY HEAD
AND CHARLIE'S ANGELS IS ON WEEKNIGHTS AT 7:00.
OH, MY GOD!
IT'S 7:00 NOW!
AAH! BOSLEY, BOSLEY!
MMM, THANKS FOR THE RIDE THIS MORNING.
OH, I COULDN'T LET YOU WALK.
IT'S POURING.
SO HOW'S YOUR NEW PARKING SPOT?
AWFUL!
MY HOUSE IS CLOSER!
DEWEY IS GONNA HEAR ABOUT THIS.
AND AFTER THAT, FOR LUNCH,
I'LL HAVE A RUSTYBURGER WITH FRIES.
ACTUALLY, IT'S NOT SO BAD.
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